Les Miserables

Last month i’ve seen Les Miserables theatre play, and it was very interesting experience, mostly because it was all in French.  Since i didn’t understand anything they were saying, i was focused just on the feelings that the actors were transmitting and what i found fascinating is that the content really didn’t matter. All the time, there were different topics of concern and suffering, and although they were different, the outcome was always the same.

Sometimes i look at myself and i realize, through observing my mind, that the main problem i have is not the content, but the structure of my mind. The subject of suffering changes, but the result of it is always the same. Yes, teh intensity varies, but its variation depends just on my awareness or identification with it. 3 years ago i had some fears and pains, now others have taken their place, the show just goes on. And you don’t even need words to understand, it’s enough to watch it for a bit in order to get the point.

And truth as it appears to me in this moment, is that there is absolutely no point to it. Yes, most of the times growth comes with pain attached to it. And if we would stop with the pain there it would be great. But no, the mind needs to fear, to be threatened, to question, to disagree, to resent. And not because there are reasons, just because that’s how it works.

Ina, how free are we really?

 

Thank you for being

Today, through a series of nice coincidencies, i started to read again the Celestine Prophecies and while i was reading it i had this overwhelming moment of grattitude towards Earth. I feel i should be grateful for every single tree and every single flower, for all that is.

I belong to the Earth, the Earth doesn’t belong to me, nor to anyone on this planet, although we choose to act as if we own it. The concept of property itself is almost in contradiction with the fact that we are in the end just small paranthesis in eternity living on this planet that exists since the beginning at time, and will exist long after me and everyone else.

This planet is alive and has an intelligence that goes beyond my awareness. While are all grateful to our mothers, for having us in their womb for 9 month, for nurturing us and taking care of us, we take for granted our being here and all the things we take advantage from our mother Earth. I don’t imagine my life without trees, forests and lakes and i’m grateful for every single tree that comes my way, for all the nature. For its stillness reminds me what i really am and shows me the purity of just being.

We are Earth lings is more appropriate to say than i own this Earth, being humble, respectful and grateful is more appropriate than being possesive, disrespectful and taking eveything for granted. I sometimes think that people avoid to recognize the truth, just because with truth comes responsibility much more than with power comes responsibility.  With truth comes the kind of responsibility that isn’t relative to any circumstances that might feed it, the kind that involves your whole being and everything that you’ll be from this moment on. And what i also think sometimes is that not many people can cope with that kind of responsibility.

Ina, thank you for being

 

In the flesh

Last night i had a very cool dream in which i was wanted very much. After i woke up, i had this feeling in my body for more than half an hour, it connected me to all the moments i felt this. It was like all the lust, the feeling of hunger almost, the shivers that go through all my body, the mind that stucks on smell and touch, the longing, the wanting, all this mixture of love, passion and lust were going through my mind and my body.

It made me think about sexuality,  about how the flesh doesn’t stand just for pleasure and pain, but can be a gate to new worlds, of true connection, expression, belonging. I assume this is one of the things that people could never explain to me, although they knew the feeling. It must be one of those things you have to feel yourself  in order to be able to understand.

I watched my boyfriend sleeping all the while and felt the magic of the space between us.

Ina, hearing secret harmonies

 

2012

Today a read a small book written based on the visions of one person about what will happen from 2009 to 2021, with a big climax around 2012. I’ve heard about this big DL of humanity for a long time, and i gave more or less credit to it.

Maybe my limited comfortable capacity can’t fully grasp most of the horrors that several religious texts offer us, but i do think that something will happen. Maybe not in 2012, maybe later. Something will happen because we can’t make it as we are now. Concerned just about ourselves and the ones close to us, always waiting for the future to come and save us, in an unjustified need to accumulate and consume more and more, lacking of empathy compassion for all living beings and for the planet that is our home.

The book i read today was exagerrated, nevertheless is brought back to my attention some interesting points that i should meditate more on. The fact that most of the humanity that has the power to change something is numb or indifferent. The fact that all the others that started to develop caring still lack of integrity to promote the change, the world is full of environmentalist that eat meat and leave their lights opened when they leave. The fact that the future is in continuous creation and can be strongly influenced by those who have the courage to do whatever it takes to achieve that. The fact that we chose to be here now and live through or beyond this.

I’m far from understanding what this new shift in consciousness will bring about, but i do want to understand how i can contribute to it. And by I,  i don’t reffer to this identity that i created in the last 25 years and that i hold on so dearly to, i  reffer to the truth that lies beyond that. I want to know this truth.

Ina, life happens for a reason

 

Lost

Stand still. The trees ahead and bushes beside you
Are not lost. Wherever you are is called Here,
And you must treat it as a powerful stranger,
Must ask permission to know it and be known.
The forest breathes. Listen. It answers,
I have made this place around you.
If you leave it, you may come back again, saying Here.
No two trees are the same to Raven.
No two branches are the same to Wren.
If what a tree or a bush does is lost on you,
You are surely lost. Stand still. The forest knows
Where you are. You must let it find you.

Ina, stand still and know

 

Are we human or are we dancers?

I had a couple of strange days, where i had to think about future, plans, roles. Eckhart Tolle was mentioning at one point that human stands for all the roles you undertake in this life, of professional, sister, mother, etc. It’s funny and ironic in the same time, how we dream about how we as humans will be like, how we decide in our heads what we want from life, we dream, we plan, we even work towards this, and for most of us, it comes a day where some of those dreams just die. Due to circumstances, due to co-ownership, there is of course of explanation for it.

As a kid i developed the strange habit of dreaming with my eyes open, which most of the kids do. My childhood was pretty challenging, so most of the times my reality was hard to handle so i was escaping it by dreaming. It was almost a self-defense mechanism, and for a lot of times in my life, it was the only thing that saved me. That was my secret world, where everything was under my control, where things were in place, where i was living my best life, regardless of my past conditioning, my limits, my fears. When your mind becomes a dreams factory, there is also a mass production of things that are meaningless, nevertheless dreaming is also a great tool to get to know your heart, to see  where it is calling you, to see what you’re made of.

I had some significant dreams coming true, some filled my heart, some didn’t bring anything more than a “ok, next!” attitude. That’s when i learned that some dreams come from my heart, some come from my ego. You dream, you live, you learn.

Yesterday i realized that one dear dream that i have will not come true. It was and still is a painful process, for a lot of reasons. People can be devoted to a lot of things, and i was always devoted to my dreams. And all of a sudden, that can’t be the case anymore. I feel a lot of mixed things, but mainly i feel confused and hurt. I thought i was the dancer but all of a sudden i feel like i’m the dance that the life is dancing.

Ina, close your eyes. clear your heart. cut the cord.

 

You’ll follow me down

I suffer of a disease. It manifests every month or so, and when it does, it’s hard not to get in the grip of it. Under its influence i become someone i don’t recognize as being myself. I exagerrate everything, every single fact becomes huge and disturbing, all my negative emotions come out and get in my mind where my thoughts go crazy with no real reason. In these moments, i suffer of the disease of the pain body.

The pain body is an emotional creature that lives inside me and thrives on all the events from the outside world that it can feed on, more excatly everything that can cause me pain in some way. The pain body consists of unexpressed emotions that i hold inside since i was born and which i didn’t yet recognize or accept within myself. It is also the emotional aspect of my ego, whenever my ego is being hurt, there goes my pain body rising. I have observed within myself, that the main trigger is my ego being hurt, that’s the moment when my pain body arises and then crawls to every single disturbing fact from outside to feed itself. Observing that its there delays the procesz, but somehow i still fall in the grip of it. Maybe i have a pretty dense pain body, or maybe i’m not conscious enough to avoi fallin into it.

The main issue with this disease, it’s not my personal form of suffering that i have to go through while i’m in its grip, what bothers me most is that it transforms me into this difficult person, that is very hard to handle for others and that most of the time, will try to get others in the suffering as well. I have observed this best in my own relationship, where i go crazy emotionally and i keep trying to get Darren to understand my exagerrated emotions. The pain body is very sly, after the attack, i rewind facts in my mind and i’m amazed by the strategies it has. It does everything to get the other to follow it down to the inner hell of fear, anquish, threats, etc. Fortunately in my case, Darren is very resilient and wise when dealing with it.

The pain body can be yours from your life story, can be inherited from your mum, your dad or both, from your granmother and all the adults you came in contact with as a child, from your own nation, race or even gender. It says nothing more about yourself than the fact that you are not yet trully aware of your real essence hence you identify yourself with the wrong things and that’s where you can be attacked.

This apparently horrible entity has a main advantage, it gives you the possibility to be truly aware of yourself, as my friend Eckhart says, used well, it becomes fuel for consciousness.

Ina, go beyond or through it

 

Losing my religion

When i was about 2 years old and i was playing hide and seek with my mum, i was covering my eyes, that was my hiding techinique. As if since i was not seing anything, i was also invisible for the world. Today i have been wishing i were that child, even if for just a few moments.

It’s funny how, once you are in this game of adulthood, you stay in the game. You can’t really escape it, and even if you are outside it, your nature calls you back in it. You need to work, to prove yourself, to sustain yourself, to contribute to the society by assuming your piece of responsibility and acting upon it. It makes no difference anymore if you like it or not, that’s how things go and you go with them.

The circumstances now are not easy for anyone, nevertheless, some were more prepared than other to cope with them, both in emotional and real terms. My generation, or at least me and most of my friends, were raised to choose for ourselves and we were given that space to choose. According to what you like, or what you’d like. We were talking about calling, about self actualization, about how we can achieve our full potential and about which job would suit that best. The job was there either to serve a bigger purpose, to serve who you are as individual, or to bring you enough money to sustain a cool lifestyle.

The reality now strikes everyone, but somehow it strikes most this generation that grew up in the la la land and is now forced to fall to Earth. Not all of us of course, but the majority yes. If 2 years ago companies were fighting for my profile, for a job that made sense for my resume and that was well paid, this is not really happening now, although i have more experience than before. If things use to happen way faster, now the uncertainty and fears of everyone make everything freeze or move very slow.

Not only i’m not emotionally fit for this game, but i’m also not mentally fit, in the sense that my beliefs are way too positive and too pinkish for this reality. And these beliefs affect my decision-making process and more broadly, the way i perceive this whole reality and what importance i give to it. I don’t feel ready for this, but this doesn’t really matter, as it’s happening already. Life is bigger, way too bigger than me.

Ina,  i’m too young that’s my fault

 

2%

When i was in my first year of uni, this funky old professor that was teaching Neuropsychology told us that studied have revealed that a normal person is using just 2% of the entire capacity fo their brain. I didn’t give it too much thought by then, i just assumed it’s related to IQ and let it pass.

Today i was listening to a cool podecast, and i had a big aha moment. The speaker was reffering to the 2% in relation to nature of thoughts, and the reason for which we use that little is because 98% of our thoughts are useless. Repetitive, conditioned thought process. When i observe my mind, most of the times i realize it’s not really with me, it’s just wondering in circles over the same old grounds, far away from the present and from my focus now. I’m amazed by how fast it goes, in what places, it’s truly redundant it consumes energy with absoloutely no postive outcome.

I would even call it crazy, but you can really label as crazy something that is a state of normality for most of us.

Ina, running over the same old grounds, what have we found? my 98%

 

The temptation

Although i believe in God, i’m not a religious person. Due to not being satisfied with the religion i was baptised in, when i was 17 i  have started my pursuit to find a religion that suits best who i am and what i believe in. While i found very interesting perspectives in most of the ones i read about, i realized at one point i didn’t really feel the need to belong to any other religion nor to mine,  so i respected them all from a distance.

What’s funny is that the more i become consciousness of myself, the more i understand what a lot of the religious metaphors really stand for. Today i had a pretty busy schedule and in the middle of my focus, there was a voice in my head that was trying to keep me away from this focus. And it’s interesting to observe, because it was very foxy, in the sense that it was tempting me in the most customized way possible. The apple seemed like designed for me in that specific moment, and when i took the bite, i remembered the cliche scene from the bible.

It’s very easy to criticize religions, mainly because most of the people that practice them don’t truly have the inner substance to understand their teachings and promote them properly. But what i realized today, is that there might be a certain truth to the initial teachings of Christianity for example. And i’m sure this must apply to the other religions as well.

People can reach closer to their essence in various ways, and while i’m not embracing any religion , i agree that religion can be one of them.

Ina, i incorporate both the temptation and my capacity to go beyond it